THE MIND THAT EATS ITSELF
A Confession From A Mind At War With Itself.
The Same Mind That Creates My Dreams Is The Battlefield Where I Fight My Darkest Battles.
How do i save myself from myself? I came here with a pen thought i was building a legacy Thought every word i wrote was a piece of my destiny Funny how the pages that were supposed to set me free Started asking questions that i didn't wanna meet I built a whole world behind a screen and a username Gave people my thoughts but kept hiding all the bruises They saw the writer The confidence The polished little captions Never saw the person behind it fighting silent battles I came to create I came to breathe Didn't know expression meant confronting everything Didn't know the words i wrote would become a mirror Showing me the parts of myself i kept disappearing How do i save myself from myself? Substack was my escape my little piece of peace A place where my mind could finally speak But the same place that gave me a reason to write Started bringing back every war i buried inside I thought i healed because i stayed busy I thought i moved on because i stopped looking back But pain doesn't leave just because you ignore it Sometimes it just waits for the silence to attack I had a Kafka moment watched my own work disappear Forty drafts gone sixteen chapters i couldn't keep near Thought if i destroyed the words i'd destroy the doubt But the fire took the pages never touched the doubt A collaboration that never happened shouldn't have mattered But my mind turned a moment of silence into a question of my talent "Maybe you're not as good as you thought" Funny how my biggest critic Always sounds like me How do i save myself from myself? I feel like an alien living on Earth Everybody got the map mine came missing at birth I study how they laugh how they love how they bond Trying to learn a language i've been searching for too long Twenty-two years and i still feel misplaced Wearing a smile that doesn't always fit my face Behind this screen i'm the person they believe Then i close the laptop and meet the person i never let them see How do i save myself from myself? The voices get louder when everything goes quiet When thereβs no distraction left to drown them out They replay every mistake every flaw every fear Turn one small thought into a storm in my head My mind is a maze with no exit sign A thousand conversations fighting for my time They call it overthinking like i chose this fight They don't know what it's like battling yourself every night The enemy knows my history Knows every wound i try to hide Knows every weakness i keep buried Knows exactly where to strike And the hardest part? I can't escape the battlefield Because the battlefield is inside me How do i save myself from myself? I look in the mirror and my mind starts a fight Wondering where my V-line went under the bathroom light Why my face looks puffy why i don't feel the same Why does my reflection feel like my biggest enemy Some mornings getting out of bed feels like a battle Like my own body is something i have to wrestle The smallest things become mountains to climb While i fight wars nobody sees in my mind I stare at my plate and the silence gets loud A battle with food that nobody sees from the outside Thirty-two days logged on a recovery app Praying to God i don't slip back into that How do i save myself from myself? Everybody calls when the world gets heavy When their hearts are breaking and their hands aren't steady I become the person who knows what to say The one who reminds them they'll make it another day I carry their storms while drowning in mine Give them hope while losing pieces of mine I become their light when they can't see through the night While hiding the fact that i'm losing my own fight They know iβll answer when theyβre falling apart But nobody asks whatβs happening inside my heart I know how to save people I just never learned how to save myself How do i save myself from myself? This year i promised i would finally change Leave my comfort zone step outside my cage Meet people live more stop disappearing Stop letting loneliness write my name But no matter how far i run My mind always gets there first You can leave a place You can change a scene You can run from the past But it follows where you breathe So how do you escape The place you've always been? How do i save myself from myself? I've tried therapy before I'm going to try again Because pretending i'm okay Has become harder than admitting i'm not And this time i'm bringing God with me Not as an escape from the pain But as a reminder i don't have to carry it alone I've become fluent in healing on paper My life still stutters How do i save myself from myself? So i'm stepping away I'm finally telling the truth I'm not okay I need time with my faith Time with my mind Time to sit with my wounds instead of running from them I'm stepping away from these pages for a while I don't know when i'll return I don't know if these pages will hear my voice again But if they do... I hope the person behind the pen Isn't just turning wounds into words While leaving herself bleeding underneath Until then... I'm choosing to be honest I'm choosing to get help I'm choosing to believe That i am more than the battles inside my head How do i save myself from myself? I don't have the answer yet But i'm still trying to
Jesus Walks-Kanye West
Lenny the talent that you have is unmatched. The way this was written, I felt everything you were saying, I felt everything your body and mind have been screaming in silence for help. The mind is such a complicated thing, the same thing that can give you comfort can be the very thing to tear you apart and create a never ending hole. I want to say that I resonated with a few things in this piece sometimes I wish I could run from my own mind, scared of the silence because maybe just maybe itβll let my mind wonder to the pits of darkness in there. So often my mind feels like itβs going 100 miles per her hour and I always hated it but maybe itβs a protective mechanism, maybe itβs my mind trying to save itself from itselfβ¦ anyway. Iβm so proud of you for continuing to seek help, I hope that writing this piece brought some sort of comfort to you. To leave you with this little piece β sometimes we are hateful towards ourselves because thatβs all we know. Others may have taught us whether subconsciously or consciously that being hateful and harsh on ourselves is acceptable. β sending you so much love and hugsπ Iβm so proud of youβ¨π
Iβm really proud of you for writing this and even prouder of you for stepping away to get help. Sending love <3